"I know she is dead, alright? You don't need to keep bringing it up again and again." She doesn't understand. Why would she? She didn't even know Alya. She didn't know how awesome she was. She didn't know our relationship.
Most people got over their partners after they broke up or after they died. They moved on to be with other people. I didn't understand how they could do it. I couldn't imagine a world in which I didn't love Alyanna. She had a hold over my heart that I couldn't shake. That I didn't want to shake. She had branded my very willing soul. There was no way I would let someone else replace her.
"I will bring it up! It's been five years since she died, Jayden! You need to move on!" Hell no. "You missed our four-year anniversary!" she yelled, tears rising in her eyes. "How could you be so careless and insensitive after everything I have done for you?!"
"I didn't ask you to do anything, alright!" I yelled back. "You were the one who always came to me. So don't you dare throw that in my face ever again!"
"You are so obsessed with someone who doesn't even exist anymore that you refuse to see the one who is in front of you! I have done everything for you, Jayden, without expecting much in return. But you just... you don't see me. You're never there for me. I just don't know what to do to make yo-" I tuned her out. I wondered if she would get tired and break up with me if I continued being overtly rude to her. I should give it a try.
I faked a yawn. "Are you done? I'm tired. I need to go to bed."
She let out a frustrated cry. "You're not even listening to me!"
"Stella, I can't do this anymore. I-"
"I love you, Jayden." She came close, placed her hand on my chest, and looked into my eyes with her big teary eyes. Once upon a time, it used to make me pity her. Now, I saw it for what it was. A trick to get me to do her bidding. "You used to be such a great guy. Kind, compassionate and loving. But you have changed now. I miss my old Jayden." She trailed her hand up my chest and cupped my cheek. She came in for a kiss but I stepped away from her touch.
"The old Jayden died five years ago. He doesn't exist anymore." I hit her with the same words she used for my Alya.
Her face crumpled in pain. I saw properly her for the first time since she walked into the apartment. She was wearing a red satin dress that came to her knees and hugged her in all the right places. She had also put a lot of effort into her makeup and hair. But now, most of her makeup was running down her face with her tears and her hair was a mess.
She was a total mess.
She used to be a great woman. But right now, she barely seemed like the person she used to be. All because of me. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt bad for her.
"I want to break up," I said, deciding to give it another shot.
"Jay, I-"
"This clearly isn't working out for either one of us. Let's break up."
"I came here because I was worried about you, not because I wanted to give up on you. On us," she said and then skilfully changed the direction of the conversation as always. "Everyone is worried about you, Jayden. We care. You are in a relationship with two women, one of which isn't even alive! You are wasting your life away like this. You need to accept the past and move on. And if you need help, we are here for you. You don't have to go through this alone. Let me help. I know an amazing psychiatrist who wi—" I tuned her out again. And just like that, all the pity I felt for her a moment ago vanished.
I was so done with this bullshit. All I wanted was a peaceful night with Alyanna. Instead, I was stuck listening to Stella give me the lecture I had already heard about a thousand times in the last five years. She was giving me a headache and I just wanted her to leave.
"I appreciate your concern but it is not welcome. If I need help, I will ask for it. This is my life and I will do as I fucking wish. Thanks for dropping by. Goodnight."
"This is why you lost all your friends. I was just trying to help, Jay!" she cried. "The least you can do is be nice to me."
"Shut the door on your way out," I said and picked up my book again, signalling that this was the end of our conversation.
She wiped her tears and smiled as if everything was alright. "You clearly need some time to sort things out. I'll see you soon. Have a nice evening, Jay!" she said in a perky voice before she left.
"She's quite persistent," Alyanna commented after Stella left. I took a breath in relief. Finally, it was just the two of us.
I turned to face her and smiled. She was back. "She is." I patted the pillow on my lap. "Now, where were we?"
Alya pursed her lips and ignored my invitation to lie down in my lap again. "She seems nice. Why do you want to break up with her again?"
I released a breath. "She's annoying."
"She was there for you when you needed it the most," she said, referring to the time after she was gone and I had begun acting out, so much so that I was impossible to be around. That was the time most of my 'friends' realized it was best to leave me on my own and gave up on me. I was better off without them anyway. I didn't need them. Or anybody else. Only Alyanna.
"For which I am thankful. But I can't do this anymore. I tried to love her but I couldn't. She doesn't measure up to you!" I was frustrated that she was taking Stella's side.
"You know this isn't healthy, right?" Alya asked, pointing towards the both of us.
"You keep me sane, Alya. I cannot live in a world you don't exist. Even if you're just a figment of my imagination."
She smiled a sad smile. "You're lonely."
"Please don't start with this," I groaned. "I don't want to talk about a future with another woman. Not when I miss you the moment I step out of this house."
"Okay, fine. Stay in denial."
"I will, actually," I informed her. "In fact, I like it this way. Just you, me, and Storm."
"That sounds awfully lonely."
"You disappear when other people come around. So if being lonely is what it takes for you to remain in my life, to always be in love with you, then I will happily be lonely. I prefer your company to other people's anyway. They're all annoying and have made a habit of telling me how to live my life."
"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell," she replied, quoting Wilde. "Your life is your own making. You're alive, Jay. Heaven and hell are a lifetime away. You need to move on. Maybe even fall in love again. Live again. You deserve a fresh start. A chance at life." She looked sad. I hated making her upset.
I replied with a Wilde quote too. "You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear. And Alya, only I can hear you. If I stop listening and move on, you would leave. And I would have to be a really shitty boyfriend to make you leave me twice."
Her hand extended to touch me and I closed my eyes. A slight breeze hit my face and I smiled. She was always here with me. "I love you, Jayden."
"I love you too, Alya. You're all I need."
"Both of us know that's not true. Not only are you lonely, but you are also unhappy," she pointed out. "You used to like going to your dad's office and helping him out. You used to love cooking. You dropped out of university to start your own restaurant. But you barely go to work. You loved racing with Grayson and working on cars with Cameron. You haven't talked to the twins in years. Ajax was your best friend. Do you even know what he is doing these days? And you're ignoring Kate's calls now. You're not okay, Jay. You miss your friends. You need help. There is nothing wrong in asking for it."
I looked away.
"As you said, I am a figment of your imagination. If this wasn't true, and if you didn't think so too, I wouldn't be saying it, would I?" she asked.
I released a breath. She was right, as always. "I don't want to love anyone else but you."
"You don't need to love someone else to live your life. You just need to accept my death and be at peace with it. Stop being angry at the world and everyone in it."
"I don't even know where to start."
"First, pick up that phone." My phone was vibrating and it was Kate again.
"The two of you really need to get over your issues. A proper conversation is long overdue, Jay." Alya hated the fact that Kate and I didn't talk.
"Maybe I should start with something else. I don't want to listen to anything that woman has to say. Not after she lied to me and went behind my fucking back. Not when she's the reason for," I stopped abruptly. Stop being angry at the world and everyone in it. I didn't know how to. I had been like this for so long, I didn't know how to be... normal again.
"You know it wasn't her fault," Alya said, a small smile on her face. "She was just trying to do what she thought was the right thing."
"Oh please, don't stop on my account." I heard a voice say. I turned around and Kate was standing at the entrance of the hallway.